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Encountering refusal, particularly when it occurs frequently, is far from pleasant. An editor is saying no, giving a firm “Nope.” As a writer, I am familiar with setbacks. I started submitting manuscripts half a century past, upon college graduation. Since then, I have had two novels rejected, along with book ideas and numerous essays. In the last 20 years, focusing on personal essays, the refusals have grown more frequent. Regularly, I receive a setback frequently—adding up to in excess of 100 annually. Overall, denials over my career run into thousands. At this point, I could claim a advanced degree in rejection.

But, does this seem like a self-pitying outburst? Far from it. As, finally, at 73 years old, I have embraced being turned down.

How Did I Achieve This?

A bit of background: By this stage, nearly each individual and their relatives has rejected me. I’ve never tracked my win-lose ratio—that would be quite demoralizing.

A case in point: lately, a newspaper editor turned down 20 articles one after another before saying yes to one. In 2016, no fewer than 50 editors vetoed my manuscript before one approved it. Later on, 25 representatives passed on a project. One editor even asked that I send articles less frequently.

The Phases of Rejection

When I was younger, each denial were painful. I felt attacked. I believed my work was being turned down, but me as a person.

As soon as a piece was rejected, I would begin the “seven stages of rejection”:

• First, disbelief. Why did this occur? Why would editors be ignore my ability?
• Next, refusal to accept. Certainly you’ve rejected the wrong person? It has to be an oversight.
• Then, rejection of the rejection. What can editors know? Who appointed you to judge on my labours? They’re foolish and your publication is poor. I deny your no.
• After that, anger at them, followed by self-blame. Why would I do this to myself? Could I be a martyr?
• Fifth, bargaining (preferably accompanied by optimism). How can I convince you to recognise me as a unique writer?
• Then, sadness. I’m no good. What’s more, I can never become accomplished.

So it went over many years.

Excellent Precedents

Certainly, I was in fine company. Accounts of creators whose work was at first rejected are plentiful. Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. The creator of Frankenstein. The writer of Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. The author of Catch-22. Virtually all writer of repute was originally turned down. If they could overcome rejection, then maybe I could, too. Michael Jordan was not selected for his school team. Most US presidents over the last 60 years had earlier failed in campaigns. The filmmaker says that his script for Rocky and bid to appear were turned down 1,500 times. For him, denial as someone blowing a bugle to rouse me and get going, rather than retreat,” he remarked.

Acceptance

As time passed, as I reached my 60s and 70s, I reached the final phase of rejection. Peace. Today, I more clearly see the various causes why a publisher says no. Firstly, an editor may have just published a comparable article, or be planning one in progress, or be thinking about something along the same lines for someone else.

Or, unfortunately, my idea is of limited interest. Or the editor thinks I don’t have the experience or standing to succeed. Perhaps is no longer in the business for the work I am peddling. Or was busy and read my submission too fast to appreciate its abundant merits.

Feel free call it an awakening. Anything can be turned down, and for any reason, and there is almost little you can do about it. Certain reasons for denial are permanently out of your hands.

Your Responsibility

Some aspects are under your control. Let’s face it, my proposals may from time to time be ill-conceived. They may not resonate and impact, or the message I am struggling to articulate is not compelling enough. Or I’m being too similar. Maybe a part about my writing style, particularly commas, was offensive.

The essence is that, regardless of all my decades of effort and rejection, I have managed to get published in many places. I’ve written two books—my first when I was middle-aged, another, a memoir, at older—and more than numerous essays. Those pieces have been published in publications big and little, in regional, worldwide platforms. An early piece was published decades ago—and I have now submitted to many places for half a century.

However, no blockbusters, no author events publicly, no appearances on talk shows, no Ted Talks, no honors, no big awards, no Nobel Prize, and no medal. But I can more easily handle rejection at this stage, because my, humble accomplishments have cushioned the stings of my many rejections. I can choose to be philosophical about it all now.

Educational Setbacks

Rejection can be instructive, but provided that you pay attention to what it’s trying to teach. Otherwise, you will probably just keep seeing denial incorrectly. So what insights have I acquired?

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